Sitting and Stewing

My mother drives me crazy.

This morning the dog woke me up unusually early.  I tossed and turned in bed as long as I could before finally dragging myself out of bed.  I released the hound, and then made my way to the front of the house to see if her car was still parked outside or not.  It wasn't.

Late last week my mother called, saying that she was going to be coming through Smalltown on Tues & Weds.  She ended up spending Tuesday with my sister, and all day yesterday with us.  The day was busy and there was some juggling that we had to do in the afternoon, but the day was extremely enjoyable and it was great to spend time with my mother.

As we got closer to dinner lastnight, my mother decided that staying an extra day and trying to catch up with my brother would be a good idea.  So she called him - left messages - and finally was able to catch up with him and make plans to see him today for lunch.  Since Fred and Barnes already had golf plans for today, Mother invited the younger two and I to go along with her to see my brother.  It was A PLAN.

My brother lives near the water, so even though they LOVE to see him anyway, it's doubly exciting when we get to go to his house because they get to splash around and go a little nuts.  They were SO excited that they got their bathing suits ready (even though I told them that it's too cold to play in the water), picked out their clothes, and were abuzz with excitement about our detour from the uneventfulness that otherwise awaited them.  I think that I may have even been a scoatch more excited than they were, because now we were going to fill the day with something outside of our immediate geographical location that would be fun.

BUT...

After we sent the kids to bed, my mother started to second guess and rethink the plans for today.  Her rental car is due back tonight at 7:00pm, but she hadn't confirmed (or considered) what the fees would be if she decided to hang on to the car for an additional day.  Here's a list...because I like lists.

• Brother is a contractor and has limited flexibility - getting together for lunch is a big deal for him.
• Her paperwork said $47 for an additional day, but the hotline told her that it would be $100.  So she was getting cold feet by the minute..."what if the paperwork doesn't include all of the fees and it really will be an additional $100"
• MY KIDS ARE IN BED, DREAMING OF WATER!!...and seeing their uncle.
• I had tickets to see a concert with my husband tonight, and I don't know if that's ON or OFF now.
• What will I pull out of my hat (to do with the kids) if Mother changes everything and we DON'T go to see my bro?
• If she cancels on my brother after making these plans I am going to be PISSED.
• Being spontaneous and making day plans actually sounded pretty exciting and adventurous.  There's not a whole lot of adventure in my life, okay?!
• My kids will be disappointed.

My mother left EARLY this morning. 

She's apparently thrown caution (and our plans) to the wind, and is probably on her way to try and have breakfast with my brother.

And I am just sitting here stewing.

~Ethel~

I'm NOT Your Bitch....Or Am I?

This morning I was catching up on current events via Facebook when I got a message.  The messages back and forth when like this:

Friend:  Betty's 40th birthday is right around the corner.  We need to do something!
Me:  What ideas do you have in mind?
Friend:  I don't know.  Maybe dinner, Girls Night Out, or mani/pedis & lunch.  But with everyone's schedules I just don't know what would work.
Me:  Well, what do you suggest.
***long pause with no response***  (I guess if you wait long enough that's also considered an answer?)
Me:  I'll send out an email and see what everyone else thinks.
Friend:  K.  Her family probably has dinner plans, but she didn't say anything for sure.  Let me know!

Here is where my complaint lies...  If "Friend" has the epiphany that we should do something fabulous for "Betty's" birthday, and the date is quickly approaching..."Friend" should put on her big girl panties and ORGANIZE the fucking thing!!!  Further, if she's going to send ME a message and throw it out there, it seems prudent that she should also have some thought or a few ideas in mind for what we could do.  I;m just thinking out loud though.

The fly in the ointment....  Ever since we moved into our current neighborhood, I have spearheaded parties, holiday gatherings, baby showers, meals for neighbors when there was a death in the family, and even formed a book club.  This is all great and good, but there are some shit heads that take this social happiness to mean that I might want to do it ALL.  But, alas, I do not.  I do not want you to email me and drop comments like, "Do you think we should do a Christmas party for the street again this year?" or "Is there anything in the works for a baby shower?  You know Darla's baby is due in two months."

NO. No.  NONONONONONONO!!  I reserve the right to punk out if I want to.

In this particular case, I will end up biting the bullet and put something together for "Betty".  She is one of my besties, and she deserves to be celebrated and adored on her birthday.  I don't like feeling like someone's trick pony, but I DO want Betty to have a nice birthday.....a fact that "Friend" is apparently keenly aware of.  Thus the message.

As for "Friend"...she's on my shit list.

Indefinitely.

~Ethel~

WARNING: Emotional, raw and probably controversial

For a good fourteen years now, I've been struggling with faith and religion.  I have a great bit of knowledge on various Christian religions as well as non-Christian ones.  It fascinates me.  For that same amount of time, I have been struggling with what I believe as opposed to what I have always been told I believe.  A few years ago, I finally came to terms with exactly what I believe and where that fits in the grand scheme of things.  You see, I've discovered my own personal beliefs are more Jewish in nature than Christian despite being raised in a very conservative Christian area of the country.  I believe in God, whatever His name may be, but I do not believe Jesus was the Messiah that was promised in the Old Testament.  I believe Jesus walked the earth and was a living man, not God incarnate.  I also respect others who believe otherwise as I think we all have our own paths to God.

However, I also struggle with that glimmering question that I believe everyone- wether you will admit it or not- has at some point in their lives.  You know the one.  What if there really is no God?  Nothing.  I am familiar with God, I am comforted by God and I cling to the idea and existence of him as something I cannot even comprehend.  I cling to it because it comforts me.  No one wants to think that when we die there is nothing else.  We all want to believe that there is more and we will not cease to exist.

I also have days, like today, where I am forced to ask myself a bunch of questions.  Like- Why do I sometimes feel like God hates me?  or Perhaps He doesn't hate me and I'm being a bit of a drama queen, but it still feels that He doesn't even know I am here.   This is how I am feeling right now.  I am so tired of visiting this dark place.  I am so tired of my heart aching over and over again.

I do not live anywhere near my extended family.  I am a fairly independent person and for the most part, do my own thing by myself and don't ask for help.  But, there are times that I desperately need help and support from my family and I cannot get it.  Something seems to always come in the way.  I seem to always be waiting for a certain member of my family to step up and be the person I want her to be.  The child in me feels that I deserve this.  Other people around me get help when they need it.  All they have to do is ask, but it is always so difficult for me to get what I need.  What I need to the core of my very soul and I can't seem to get it.  So, what is God's beef with me?

That whole, "God will never give you more than you can handle" thing is bullshit.  Because I have had more than I can handle for a long time now with no relief in sight.  I am not living right now.  I am merely surviving and going through the motions in order to keep myself and my family alive an accountable.  I know this is all abstract, so let me give you a few examples of what I am talking about and end it with the event that has brought me here today, staring at a very blurry monitor through tears, heartbroken, angry and frustrated once again.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I needed my mother.  She couldn't come see me, and I begged like a shameless child.  She didn't have the money.  So, I paid for her plane ticket and then there was drama surrounding it.  First, she wasn't sure what she was going to do with her animals, she couldn't find anyone to watch them and then once she actually got here, she immediately wanted to turn around and go back because my sister called with loads of drama back home and mom felt she needed to be there.  This was when I was just 6 months pregnant.  I had wanted her to come for the birth of my first child.  Don't most moms help their kids with these things?  She didn't want to impose on our moment as a family and so decided not to come until the baby was around 2 weeks old and even then, she only stayed a few days.  That baby turned out to be a very difficult and colicky baby and I needed some help and yet I did not get it.  It was so bad, that my husband drove us all home when the baby was 2 months old and we stayed for two months hoping to get some help and possibly tools to deal with this cranky baby from all the family and their wisdom.  Everyone had their own lives and work going on and it ended up that I had the same problem I had here, but in another state, at someone else's house, still with no help or relief.  It failed miserably.

When I was pregnant with my second child, she was breech and a c-section was scheduled.  My previous birth had been vaginal and I did not know what to expect.  I was terrified because some people I talked to said it was no big deal and other said they had a hard recovery.  This led me to believe that each recovery is different and there was just no way to know, but that I was going to have to prepare for the worst.  And so, I begged my mom to come because with a new baby, recovery, a small child and the fact that my husband was going to have to go back to work immediately, I would need help.  Again, it was a whole ordeal.  She wasn't sure she had the money, then she couldn't find someone to check on her dog and it came down to the last minute where I had no idea if she would be here or not until only a few weeks prior.

Fast forward to the present.  My husband is gone- for a long time.  I have hit burnout and I need help.  My mom suggested from the beginning that she come visit us for a week at the halfway point to break up the monotony and give me some help.  I have been looking forward to this visit for weeks.  I have been looking forward to the kids focusing their attention and neediness on someone else for a few days so I can have a break.  I NEED A BREAK!  Same drama- different year- because of money problems, she didn't buy her ticket until last week (for next week).  Once she bought them, I was relieved, knowing help was coming.  Now, she is sick.  Really sick.  My sister just called to tell me she has been taken to the hospital.  And I know it isn't her fault.  And I realize I am being selfish for worrying about myself here, but dammit!  Why can't I get a fucking break?  And that is what makes me wonder if there are some supernatural forces working against me.  Do I have bad Karma?  Am I a bad person?  Does God hate me?  What?  What did I do?  Why do I deserve this?  And these are my questions.  And I am sure they will always be my questions.  And I know that a disappointing mother will be my burden to bear and I should quit relying on her.  I should suck it up and just be independent and do everything on my own.

But dammit, everybody needs a shoulder to cry on once in awhile.  And everybody needs help sometimes too.  It's just that everybody doesn't get it.

**Comments closed- this was something I needed to get out and I don't need any drama and/or debate**

When I Have a Stroke, You Will Know Why.

I have this friend that is a very good friend most of the time. But a good 45% of the time, she drives me freaking nuts. She has a good heart and is always there for me and so I feel guilty that I get so pissed off at her and then come on anonymous blogs to rant. Perhaps I'm a bad person. But, damnit she frustrates the hell out of me!

First I want to say that her husband accuses her of over-planning all the time. This is one of the main sources of their arguments and fights. He thinks she tries to plan his life down to the minute and she thinks he says he wants to take it easy, but really is just lazy and leaves things to the last minute or doesn't do anything at all until she gets on him about it. I can see both sides of this. He is the anti-planner. He wants to just wake up late and decide how the mood strikes him and then maybe lazily drag out of bed and get dressed and by the time he decides to go somewhere, it is 3pm and too late to go enjoy an entire day as a family. I am usually on her side in these arguments. That is what good girlfriends do... always take your side. But today, there came a moment when I had to bite my tongue to keep from shouting, " THIS... THIS RIGHT HERE IS WHAT YOUR HUSBAND IS TALKING ABOUT! I AM NOT EVEN MARRIED TO OR OBLIGATED TO YOU IN ANY WAY AND YOU ARE DOING IT TO ME!!"

Let's back up.

We go to Weight Watchers together every Friday morning after I drop Daughter off at preschool. I pick my friend up and we go weigh in, stay for the meeting and then go to lunch afterwards. I told her yesterday that if she wanted to stay for the meeting this week, she would have to drive herself, because I was just going to weigh in and then was coming straight home because I had things to do and Friday afternoon was Daughter's Valentine Party at school. She said coming straight home was fine and I thought that was the end of it.

Until she called me today. Here is the conversation:

FRIEND: When you say you are coming straight home after weighing in on Friday, you aren't going to eat or anything?
ME: No, I'm weighing in and coming home.
FRIEND: What time is Daughter's party?
ME: 2:15
FRIEND: Our meeting is at 10, you need 3 and a half hours to get home and get ready to go?
ME: No, I have to run some errands too.
FRIEND: But, I need to go to [a store that is near the meeting] to exchange something.
ME: Then you will have to drive.
FRIEND: What errand do you have?
ME: I have to go by the post office because I promised to mail a care package to Ricky last week, but with both kids getting sick, I just haven't had the time. I also need to go to the grocery store. I am out of practically everything.
FRIEND: If those things are so important, why are you not going to do them tomorrow instead of Friday?
ME: Because I promised to take [other friend] out to lunch for her birthday tomorrow.
FRIEND: You can't run to the grocery store after you drop daughter off at preschool. You would be there by 9:10 and could get everything done then.
ME: No, because, like I said, I am out of almost everything and need to shop a lot.
FRIEND: Well, what do you need to buy that takes you three hours to shop and get home and put it away?
ME:(starting to get really frustrated) I don't HAVE three hours! I would just have about an hour to shop, get home, put things away and be back at [friend]'s house by 10:30. We have reservations at 11.
FRIEND: WHO eats lunch at 11?
ME: Ummm.... we do? Besides, it's HER birthday, I think she can choose what time she wants to eat! And we wanted to have time to eat, have a glass of wine and perhaps dessert and not have to rush home.
FRIEND: Why aren't you having reservations at noon and you have plenty of time to eat and get back to pick up Daughter by 3:30?
ME: Because [friend] wants a peaceful lunch for her birthday and therefore is dropping her baby off at hourly care. Hourly care only goes until 2pm and we don't want to be rushing back!
FRIEND: Oh... well, that makes sense then. Okay.. I'll drive Friday.

HOLY GOD-THAT FELT LIKE THE INQUISITION!!! I was exhausted by the end of that conversation. And pissed off. Why the hell should it matter what I am doing, at what time and how I am managing my time. I shouldn't have to be accountable like that to someone. Why couldn't, "I have errands to run" have been sufficient enough of an answer?

And I realized then EXACTLY what her husband was talking about when he gets all pissed about her planning things.


~Lucy

Sometimes When You Poke a Bear They Bite Back

There are a couple of kids in our neighborhood that Alfalfa doesn't always "gel" with. He generally doesn't meet a stranger, but there are a couple of kids that either like to play a little to rough, or they are just snotty, rude and make cutting remarks. These boys happen to be just slightly younger than Alfalfa, but it sure doesn't hurt any less.

This past Friday, the kids had gotten home from school and were running-a-muck in the street. The kids were running here and there, from backyard to backyard, and they were having a glorious time of it. While I was standing outside talking to a couple of the other mothers, Alfalfa rode his scooter past me (headed to another friend's backyard with a few boys), gave me a little smirk, and I just waved to him as he passed.

About five minutes later, one of Scarlett's BFF's walked up to me and said, "Alfalfa and Jake were yelling at each other in our backyard, and Alfalfa told Jake that he was going to kick his....(awkward pause)...and Alfalfa said the A-word". I pressed the little diva to know exactly what the A-word was that Alfalfa used, because let's be honest, the F-word to little kids means FART or some other silly word, and I wanted to make sure that we were in fact dealing with a legitimate swear word before raising an eyebrow. ....And of course we were. Alfalfa had told Jake, "I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!".

A few things.  First, I was horrified, shocked, and a little embarrassed....after all, my son's potty mouth was being exposed right there in front of MY PEERS. Second, I wanted to know what exactly that little turd Jake had done to prompt my perfect little angel to spew such profanities from his virgin lips. I mean, my children, would NEVER utter such an offense!! *cough cough*  Third, I was glad to hear that at least if he was gonna throw it out there, he was savvy enough to use the word in the right context and put some power behind it.

After I got Alfalfa home and we got down to the nitty-gritty of it all, he fully admitted that he told Jake he was gonna kick his ass. He also said that he was tired of Jake saying mean things to him. See there? HE WAS PROVOKED!

I scolded him a little, but didn't go overboard. I told him that he shouldn't use words like that and encouraged to find better words to put in his vocabulary that mean equally the same things, but won't land him in hot water with the other moms.

....and then I packed him up and sent him over to his friend's house for a sleepover.

~Ethel~

It's a WONDERFUL Life!

The other night I was peacefully laying in bed getting ready to fall asleep, when suddenly my phone chimed, letting me know that I had a message. When I checked it out, it said that my sister Sybil had posted a message on my Facebook wall - the message read:

"You have such beautiful children. Great pictures of your life. I am so happy your life is WONDRFUL! Love you Ethel. Happy Holidays."

Awwwww, so sweet, right? At first glance you would be correct, but it feels like she's throwing a jab of bitter jealousy and irritation directly at me for the whole world to see. In a matter of seconds, I went from drifting off to sweet slumber to being completely awake and ready to tear someone's head off.

Sybil is a good person at the core of it all, but she has habitually made VERY poor choices as an adult. She hasn't ever worked more than a few weeks PER YEAR (at best), and has never pushed herself to make her own way. She goes from place to place, and falls on the mercy of others. HOW she manages to continue finding these people to help her, to foot the bill for her lifestyle, and to give her use of their cars/house/etc is beyond me.

It's frustrating that she looks at my pictures and comments how happy she is that my "life is so wonderful". Shit like this undercuts the hard work and sacrifice that it takes to be a dedicated wife, mother, employee, etc. Most women that I know understand what it feels like to be in this rut of busting their ass just to maintain status quo and keep their heads above water.

The most wonderful parts of my life are the ones that I have worked diligently for and labored long hours to achieve.

WONDERFUL doesn't just happen.

~Ethel~

Holiday Etiquette: If Someone Sends You an Invitation

Howdy Folks...

Laverne here again, taking a quick break from dazzling the world with my mad Christmas decorating skillz (I spelled that with a Z so you know I totally mean it) this cold, Texas afternoon, to talk to y'all a little bit more about etiquette. Yeah, yeah. I know what you're thinking.

"Did I just stumble across the Miss Manners blog?"

No. That's not it at all (plus, I totally hate that uppity bitch). But, it is the holiday season and I feel like it is my personal responsibility to pass along these unspoken rules of etiquette (and by unspoken, I mean, things you just cannot, must not do) to those who may be totally unaware that society dictates that we treat others respectfully. Whether or not they deserve it is a completely different story.

So, here is a holiday anecdote about my friend Gina. Which is totally not her real name, but you know, we can't go around just exposing everyone...

Gina is a nice gal. Sweet. Very smart. Incredibly witty, dazzlingly gorgeous. Always gentle and kind with great hair. She has four of the most handsome sons you will ever meet, who are (of course) well-mannered and polite. You would be totally jealous of her if you knew her. Trust me.

A few years ago, Gina was busily preparing for Christmas. She had two baby showers to plan (because she is ridiculously generous too), a home to decorate and clean, food to cook, and lots of shopping to do. And because she is so kind and generous, she offered up her home to her in-laws that year, in addition to her very own family, thinking that it would be nice to all spend the holidays together.

(okay, that last part is a load of crap, because her parents are divorced and hate each other, her husband's father and his wife are insane burned out hippies and her mom probably would have beaten her dad's new wife to a bloody pulp, but that didn't really fit in with the story here so...)

After much hemming and hawing, her in-laws (blessedly) declined and so Gina went about her normal holiday business, happy to have one more thing crossed off her Christmas list.

Weeks went by. Her list dwindled, plans were made, her home glistened and sparkled, gifts were wrapped and under the tree, everyone's favorite holiday sweaters were clean and pressed, family had arrived and before Gina knew it, it was Christmas Eve!

She had just gone to switch out a load of laundry that morning when her phone rang.

Hello?

Hello Gina, this is your fabulous mother-in-law calling from Tennessee!

Oh, hi there! How are you mother-in-law?

Well, I was just calling to see if you had received your surprise Christmas package yet?

My surprise Christmas package? No, I don't guess I have.

(Gina's wheels were turning fiercely at this moment, wondering what her mother-in-law meant)

Well, sister-in-law just happened to mention that my ex-husband called from the road to say that they are surprising you for Christmas.

(Gina, rarely flustered, was totally caught off-guard)

No, mother-in-law, I'm afraid you misunderstood. You see, they told us they weren't coming for Christmas. I can't imagine that they'd tell me no if they really meant yes. This is quite the conundrum.

Well, good luck to you Gina. I certainly hope I'm wrong.

(okay so the conversation didn't exactly go that way, but it also didn't fit with Gina's sunny disposition, so...)

Upset and confused, Gina quickly called Mr. Gina.

Ah, yes. I seem to recall grandmother hinting that they might be on their way here.

Gina hung up the phone, reeling. "Who shows up for Christmas unannounced on Christmas Eve?"

Suddenly, the phone rang again.

Hello?

Hello. Do you need a Christmas ham?

A Christmas ham? No, I don't believe I do. Are you offering one?

Oh. Well, we thought we would bring one this evening for dinner.

Did you? Well (nervous laugh), I guess we could always use extra! What time should we expect you?

Right about now....

(Gina looked out her front window to find a familiar car pulling up to the curb)

Now, as I've said before, Gina is rather generous. She is kind. She can be tolerant. And so, for the sake of keeping the peace at Christmastime, she chose tolerance. It would not be the last time Gina carelessly made this mistake with her in-laws.

And because Gina is always prepared for guests, she made room at the table for an extra two people. She served them beer and wine graciously (even though they carried enough in their suitcases to keep a bar operating for days), laughed when they joked about ruining her holiday, and hid her displeasure each time they rudely insulted her family. She didn't so much as flinch when she was berated for daring to buy Christmas gifts for her husband and children (and not herself) with the hundreds of dollars they apparently "only" sent for Mr. Gina. She did not complain when she was given a $25 gift card for a mall 800 miles away. No, Gina held strong. And it would not be the last time Gina made this mistake either, but she is kind and generous with a good heart and so she is stupid enough to think that maybe at some point they will change.

(for the record, they don't)
So, here is a recap of today's lesson.

-Do not decline an invitation if you plan on actually accepting it

-Do not show up unannounced

-Do not show up unannounced on Christmas Eve with a burnt maple and brown sugar ham that's just spent two days in a car wrapped in plastic wrap.

-Do not take advantage of other people's hospitality

-Do not treat your daughter-in-law's family poorly.

-Do not show up drunk or continue to get drunk to the point of embarrassment

-Specify who you're sending money to, so you don't yell at your daughter-in-law on Christmas Day

-Don't buy a gift at all if your sole intent is to be an asshole

-Do stay in Tennessee for the holidays and spare everyone the agony of your presence

I think that's it.

Happy Mannerly Holidays, friends!

~Laverne~