Ahhh... The Holidays are Upon Us!

Every year, our families ask for Christmas lists for the kids.  I always have a few items written down to dispense upon request, but I never just give out the list.  I know times are hard and I don't expect anything from anyone.  If requested, I will provide a list.

My sister-in-law emailed me the other day requesting a list for both kids.  I complied by suggesting a DS game for Little Ricky and a tutu and/or ballet slippers for Sprout.  I thought those were reasonable suggestions.  A few days later, she called and spoke to my husband and suggested she get those items AND a trampoline for the kids.

Now, we go through this EVERY CHRISTMAS.  EVERY FLIPPING YEAR SHE WANTS TO BUY THEM A TRAMPOLINE AND EVERY YEAR I REMIND HER THAT OUR YARD IS TOO SMALL TO ACCOMODATE ONE.  It's like she doesn't believe me (and she's seen our yard).  And then, to further drive the point home, I also tell her ( EVERY DAMNED YEAR) that while it might be warm where she is almost year-round, here, they would not be able to play with the trampoline until at the very earliest March, but most likely, April.  Who wants a Christmas gift they can't play with for three months?

I was not home, so Ricky told her he would talk to me about it.  Just like he does EVERY YEAR because he doesn't want to be the one to fight with her, leaving it up to me to look like I just don't want to let her get a trampoline.  Fuck.  I am sick of this shit!

So, I politely called her and reminded her (ONE MORE TIME) that it would not fit in the yard and even if it did, they couldn't play with it until spring.. blah blah blah.  So, she asked me to come up with something equivalent because she wanted to get them a joint big gift in addition to their small gifts.  I said I would think about it and let her know.

The next day, I emailed her and told her that the television in Noah's room has finally died, and perhaps she could get him a little 19" flat screen tv because they can be purchased for about the same price as a trampoline.  She agreed and hung up.

She called back last night because she knew my husband was home and she spoke to him.  He said she is going to send US the money to pick out the television (more work for us- YAY) and then began to complain about how her husband didn't work for six months and although he is working now, money is really tight.  Then, she implied that I was asking too much but she would send us the money anyway.  HOLY SHIT!  I didn't ask for A SINGLE THING.  She asked ME what to get and I suggested small things.... and she was unhappy with that, so I suggested something bigger.  GODDAMMIT I cannot fucking win!  And I don't know why this shocks me because we have been married twelve years and I have never been able to make her happy.  Someday I will have to tell you the story about how she made our wedding miserable and managed to make it all about HER and was successful in focusing all the attention on herself for the rehearsal dinner and the reception.

But, for now.. Happy Holidays... I can't fucking wait.

~Lucy

It's Not Even The Holidays Yet...WTF?!?

Tonight Fred looked at me and said, "I want to move to a remote cabin surrounded by lots of trees, and it needs to be a place where our families will never find us". I could not agree more!

There is a birthday family celebration coming up on Fred's side of the family. A noteworthy celebration, of course, but not one that I would make me think, "Hey self, you should get in there and make some crazy plans for this!" Which is precisely WHY I've been tending to my own shit laying low. Well, at least I was trying to lay low until the standard "Mertz Delegation of Duties" got fully underway...and this is how it went down.

Lorraine (Fred's grandmonster) called George (Fred's father) and said, "Have you decided what we're [you're] going to do for Poindexter's birthday this year? We [you] need to do something nice - he does alot for the family, you know."

George responded, "Well, I haven't really given it much thought, but maybe Fred and Ethel would be able to throw something together for the occasion. I'll call Ethel and see what she can get done."

So my question is this: HOW THE FUCK DID THIS BECOME MY PROBLEM?!? And how do I go about messing this event up so exponentially that I don't get asked to pull awesome-daughter-in-law duty again for a long, long, LONG time?  George is a huge pain in my ass.

Moving on.

The holiday season hasn't even officially begun, and already I feel like January can't get here fast enough!  Will someone please pass the vodka, and make it SNAPPY!?

Gripe #1 - One of my siblings made flight arrangements without checking with anyone first, and will be here (in town) for TWO FULL WEEKS. She's great. She's awesome. BUT she's also going to want to get out and do things, and I have to WORK!!!

Gripe #2 - We will celebrate Thanksgiving TWICE this year. This is as a result of the fact that one of my other sibs has a nut-muncher of a significant other, and my sib wants to do Thanksgiving with normal people our side of the family BEFORE going to spend the actual holiday with the nut-muncher's family. Not a HUGE issue, but according to Marie Claire's bitch of a columnist, Maura Kelly, I am well on my way to making her feel sick when she looks at the likes of me after stuffing my gullet not just once, but twice, on traditional Thanksgiving fare. FUCK HER!

Gripe #3 - Christmas is going to be at my house this year. BOTH sides of the insane asylum family are invited, and it's a safe bet that Josephine (the grandmonster) will be her naturally bitchy, rude self. Oh, how I am looking forward to hearing her snide comments.

Gripe #4 - Fred and I had wanted to just go someplace ELSE for the holidays this year and leave all of the other degenerates behind, but we made the mistake of telling a couple of other family members....and VIOLA! It became a trip to hell with all of the weirdo knuckle-draggers in tow.  Needless to say, we decided to cancel that nightmare and not pass "GO" or collect $200.  Somethings just aren't worth it, ya know?

So that's where we stand. I haven't gone completely nuts, but I am on my second bottle of wine tonight. Fred put a trashcan by the bed and I wrote out checks for the kids to buy their lunches tomorrow instead of having to make them while being super hung over and all.

Please tell me that I'm not the only one with holiday drama brewing on the horizon?!

~Ethel~

Thanksgiving Throw Down

In the not-so-distant past, we were pleased to celebrate Thanksgiving with the outlaws at our house. Everyone from far and near had descended on the Mertz household to roast the turkey, make delicious pies, savory casseroles and watch some football. The morning had started out wonderfully, everyone was chatting, snacking, putting puzzles together, enjoying the time together....the way that holidays are supposed to be spent.

Customarily, in the extended Mertz family, anyone coming to share the day will bring a dish, beverages, snacks or SOMETHING to contribute and share with the crowd. It helps ease the pressure off of the hostess, and honestly, that's just that's just good manners folks! At this particular point in time, Fred and I had just recently relocated and were in the process of settling, so I even asked for a couple of the ladies to bring some extra serving bowls, serving utensils, etc. Not a big deal. So here were are.... Chaos and craziness in the kitchen as the women are preparing the meal. And there's the boisterous hootin' and hollerin' by the guys in the family room over calls that the refs are making.

As the morning progressed and assembly started begin, Fred's grandmother Josephine, came into the kitchen and stood watch to see all that was going on. She kindly asked if she could help do anything, and of course (being the gracious hostess), I told her that everything was under control, but would let her know if anything changed. So she continued to stand, watch, and chit chat. Now keep in mind that Josephine is KNOWN for not having a filter on what she says, and can be quite a thorn in my side bitter pill to swallow contrary at times.

After what seemed like only a few minutes had passed, the mashed potatoes were finally ready to be put in a serving dish, so I asked Sarah (my mother in law) if she could grab the serving bowl that she had brought with her.  It was at this particular moment that Josephine turned her withered, irritable head to me and said, "What would you do if we hadn't all brought dishes and things for you to use today?"

To which I replied, "We wouldn't be having Thanksgiving at my house".

Once the words were out of my mouth, I was positive that we were going to have a grudge match right there in my kitchen....just sure of it! The other ladies standing in close proximity could be seen with eyes wide open, holding their breath. It's no secret that I have a low bull shit threshold when it comes to people making rude comments directed at me.  And I DO get that sometimes things just "need to be said".  But if you're going to let it all hang out and go balls to the wall trying to make ME look inferior in my own damn kitchen, you better brace yourself and expect that your TART comment will get a firm reply.

Mama Kat's Writers Workshop

Prompt#5 - Describe an awkward conversation you had with someone recently.

~Ethel~