Thursday, February 24, 2011

WARNING: Emotional, raw and probably controversial

For a good fourteen years now, I've been struggling with faith and religion.  I have a great bit of knowledge on various Christian religions as well as non-Christian ones.  It fascinates me.  For that same amount of time, I have been struggling with what I believe as opposed to what I have always been told I believe.  A few years ago, I finally came to terms with exactly what I believe and where that fits in the grand scheme of things.  You see, I've discovered my own personal beliefs are more Jewish in nature than Christian despite being raised in a very conservative Christian area of the country.  I believe in God, whatever His name may be, but I do not believe Jesus was the Messiah that was promised in the Old Testament.  I believe Jesus walked the earth and was a living man, not God incarnate.  I also respect others who believe otherwise as I think we all have our own paths to God.

However, I also struggle with that glimmering question that I believe everyone- wether you will admit it or not- has at some point in their lives.  You know the one.  What if there really is no God?  Nothing.  I am familiar with God, I am comforted by God and I cling to the idea and existence of him as something I cannot even comprehend.  I cling to it because it comforts me.  No one wants to think that when we die there is nothing else.  We all want to believe that there is more and we will not cease to exist.

I also have days, like today, where I am forced to ask myself a bunch of questions.  Like- Why do I sometimes feel like God hates me?  or Perhaps He doesn't hate me and I'm being a bit of a drama queen, but it still feels that He doesn't even know I am here.   This is how I am feeling right now.  I am so tired of visiting this dark place.  I am so tired of my heart aching over and over again.

I do not live anywhere near my extended family.  I am a fairly independent person and for the most part, do my own thing by myself and don't ask for help.  But, there are times that I desperately need help and support from my family and I cannot get it.  Something seems to always come in the way.  I seem to always be waiting for a certain member of my family to step up and be the person I want her to be.  The child in me feels that I deserve this.  Other people around me get help when they need it.  All they have to do is ask, but it is always so difficult for me to get what I need.  What I need to the core of my very soul and I can't seem to get it.  So, what is God's beef with me?

That whole, "God will never give you more than you can handle" thing is bullshit.  Because I have had more than I can handle for a long time now with no relief in sight.  I am not living right now.  I am merely surviving and going through the motions in order to keep myself and my family alive an accountable.  I know this is all abstract, so let me give you a few examples of what I am talking about and end it with the event that has brought me here today, staring at a very blurry monitor through tears, heartbroken, angry and frustrated once again.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I needed my mother.  She couldn't come see me, and I begged like a shameless child.  She didn't have the money.  So, I paid for her plane ticket and then there was drama surrounding it.  First, she wasn't sure what she was going to do with her animals, she couldn't find anyone to watch them and then once she actually got here, she immediately wanted to turn around and go back because my sister called with loads of drama back home and mom felt she needed to be there.  This was when I was just 6 months pregnant.  I had wanted her to come for the birth of my first child.  Don't most moms help their kids with these things?  She didn't want to impose on our moment as a family and so decided not to come until the baby was around 2 weeks old and even then, she only stayed a few days.  That baby turned out to be a very difficult and colicky baby and I needed some help and yet I did not get it.  It was so bad, that my husband drove us all home when the baby was 2 months old and we stayed for two months hoping to get some help and possibly tools to deal with this cranky baby from all the family and their wisdom.  Everyone had their own lives and work going on and it ended up that I had the same problem I had here, but in another state, at someone else's house, still with no help or relief.  It failed miserably.

When I was pregnant with my second child, she was breech and a c-section was scheduled.  My previous birth had been vaginal and I did not know what to expect.  I was terrified because some people I talked to said it was no big deal and other said they had a hard recovery.  This led me to believe that each recovery is different and there was just no way to know, but that I was going to have to prepare for the worst.  And so, I begged my mom to come because with a new baby, recovery, a small child and the fact that my husband was going to have to go back to work immediately, I would need help.  Again, it was a whole ordeal.  She wasn't sure she had the money, then she couldn't find someone to check on her dog and it came down to the last minute where I had no idea if she would be here or not until only a few weeks prior.

Fast forward to the present.  My husband is gone- for a long time.  I have hit burnout and I need help.  My mom suggested from the beginning that she come visit us for a week at the halfway point to break up the monotony and give me some help.  I have been looking forward to this visit for weeks.  I have been looking forward to the kids focusing their attention and neediness on someone else for a few days so I can have a break.  I NEED A BREAK!  Same drama- different year- because of money problems, she didn't buy her ticket until last week (for next week).  Once she bought them, I was relieved, knowing help was coming.  Now, she is sick.  Really sick.  My sister just called to tell me she has been taken to the hospital.  And I know it isn't her fault.  And I realize I am being selfish for worrying about myself here, but dammit!  Why can't I get a fucking break?  And that is what makes me wonder if there are some supernatural forces working against me.  Do I have bad Karma?  Am I a bad person?  Does God hate me?  What?  What did I do?  Why do I deserve this?  And these are my questions.  And I am sure they will always be my questions.  And I know that a disappointing mother will be my burden to bear and I should quit relying on her.  I should suck it up and just be independent and do everything on my own.

But dammit, everybody needs a shoulder to cry on once in awhile.  And everybody needs help sometimes too.  It's just that everybody doesn't get it.

**Comments closed- this was something I needed to get out and I don't need any drama and/or debate**

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

When I Have a Stroke, You Will Know Why.

I have this friend that is a very good friend most of the time. But a good 45% of the time, she drives me freaking nuts. She has a good heart and is always there for me and so I feel guilty that I get so pissed off at her and then come on anonymous blogs to rant. Perhaps I'm a bad person. But, damnit she frustrates the hell out of me!

First I want to say that her husband accuses her of over-planning all the time. This is one of the main sources of their arguments and fights. He thinks she tries to plan his life down to the minute and she thinks he says he wants to take it easy, but really is just lazy and leaves things to the last minute or doesn't do anything at all until she gets on him about it. I can see both sides of this. He is the anti-planner. He wants to just wake up late and decide how the mood strikes him and then maybe lazily drag out of bed and get dressed and by the time he decides to go somewhere, it is 3pm and too late to go enjoy an entire day as a family. I am usually on her side in these arguments. That is what good girlfriends do... always take your side. But today, there came a moment when I had to bite my tongue to keep from shouting, " THIS... THIS RIGHT HERE IS WHAT YOUR HUSBAND IS TALKING ABOUT! I AM NOT EVEN MARRIED TO OR OBLIGATED TO YOU IN ANY WAY AND YOU ARE DOING IT TO ME!!"

Let's back up.

We go to Weight Watchers together every Friday morning after I drop Daughter off at preschool. I pick my friend up and we go weigh in, stay for the meeting and then go to lunch afterwards. I told her yesterday that if she wanted to stay for the meeting this week, she would have to drive herself, because I was just going to weigh in and then was coming straight home because I had things to do and Friday afternoon was Daughter's Valentine Party at school. She said coming straight home was fine and I thought that was the end of it.

Until she called me today. Here is the conversation:

FRIEND: When you say you are coming straight home after weighing in on Friday, you aren't going to eat or anything?
ME: No, I'm weighing in and coming home.
FRIEND: What time is Daughter's party?
ME: 2:15
FRIEND: Our meeting is at 10, you need 3 and a half hours to get home and get ready to go?
ME: No, I have to run some errands too.
FRIEND: But, I need to go to [a store that is near the meeting] to exchange something.
ME: Then you will have to drive.
FRIEND: What errand do you have?
ME: I have to go by the post office because I promised to mail a care package to Ricky last week, but with both kids getting sick, I just haven't had the time. I also need to go to the grocery store. I am out of practically everything.
FRIEND: If those things are so important, why are you not going to do them tomorrow instead of Friday?
ME: Because I promised to take [other friend] out to lunch for her birthday tomorrow.
FRIEND: You can't run to the grocery store after you drop daughter off at preschool. You would be there by 9:10 and could get everything done then.
ME: No, because, like I said, I am out of almost everything and need to shop a lot.
FRIEND: Well, what do you need to buy that takes you three hours to shop and get home and put it away?
ME:(starting to get really frustrated) I don't HAVE three hours! I would just have about an hour to shop, get home, put things away and be back at [friend]'s house by 10:30. We have reservations at 11.
FRIEND: WHO eats lunch at 11?
ME: Ummm.... we do? Besides, it's HER birthday, I think she can choose what time she wants to eat! And we wanted to have time to eat, have a glass of wine and perhaps dessert and not have to rush home.
FRIEND: Why aren't you having reservations at noon and you have plenty of time to eat and get back to pick up Daughter by 3:30?
ME: Because [friend] wants a peaceful lunch for her birthday and therefore is dropping her baby off at hourly care. Hourly care only goes until 2pm and we don't want to be rushing back!
FRIEND: Oh... well, that makes sense then. Okay.. I'll drive Friday.

HOLY GOD-THAT FELT LIKE THE INQUISITION!!! I was exhausted by the end of that conversation. And pissed off. Why the hell should it matter what I am doing, at what time and how I am managing my time. I shouldn't have to be accountable like that to someone. Why couldn't, "I have errands to run" have been sufficient enough of an answer?

And I realized then EXACTLY what her husband was talking about when he gets all pissed about her planning things.