For a good fourteen years now, I've been struggling with faith and religion. I have a great bit of knowledge on various Christian religions as well as non-Christian ones. It fascinates me. For that same amount of time, I have been struggling with what I believe as opposed to what I have always been told I believe. A few years ago, I finally came to terms with exactly what I believe and where that fits in the grand scheme of things. You see, I've discovered my own personal beliefs are more Jewish in nature than Christian despite being raised in a very conservative Christian area of the country. I believe in God, whatever His name may be, but I do not believe Jesus was the Messiah that was promised in the Old Testament. I believe Jesus walked the earth and was a living man, not God incarnate. I also respect others who believe otherwise as I think we all have our own paths to God.
However, I also struggle with that glimmering question that I believe everyone- wether you will admit it or not- has at some point in their lives. You know the one. What if there really is no God? Nothing. I am familiar with God, I am comforted by God and I cling to the idea and existence of him as something I cannot even comprehend. I cling to it because it comforts me. No one wants to think that when we die there is nothing else. We all want to believe that there is more and we will not cease to exist.
I also have days, like today, where I am forced to ask myself a bunch of questions. Like- Why do I sometimes feel like God hates me? or Perhaps He doesn't hate me and I'm being a bit of a drama queen, but it still feels that He doesn't even know I am here. This is how I am feeling right now. I am so tired of visiting this dark place. I am so tired of my heart aching over and over again.
I do not live anywhere near my extended family. I am a fairly independent person and for the most part, do my own thing by myself and don't ask for help. But, there are times that I desperately need help and support from my family and I cannot get it. Something seems to always come in the way. I seem to always be waiting for a certain member of my family to step up and be the person I want her to be. The child in me feels that I deserve this. Other people around me get help when they need it. All they have to do is ask, but it is always so difficult for me to get what I need. What I need to the core of my very soul and I can't seem to get it. So, what is God's beef with me?
That whole, "God will never give you more than you can handle" thing is bullshit. Because I have had more than I can handle for a long time now with no relief in sight. I am not living right now. I am merely surviving and going through the motions in order to keep myself and my family alive an accountable. I know this is all abstract, so let me give you a few examples of what I am talking about and end it with the event that has brought me here today, staring at a very blurry monitor through tears, heartbroken, angry and frustrated once again.
When I was pregnant with my first child, I needed my mother. She couldn't come see me, and I begged like a shameless child. She didn't have the money. So, I paid for her plane ticket and then there was drama surrounding it. First, she wasn't sure what she was going to do with her animals, she couldn't find anyone to watch them and then once she actually got here, she immediately wanted to turn around and go back because my sister called with loads of drama back home and mom felt she needed to be there. This was when I was just 6 months pregnant. I had wanted her to come for the birth of my first child. Don't most moms help their kids with these things? She didn't want to impose on our moment as a family and so decided not to come until the baby was around 2 weeks old and even then, she only stayed a few days. That baby turned out to be a very difficult and colicky baby and I needed some help and yet I did not get it. It was so bad, that my husband drove us all home when the baby was 2 months old and we stayed for two months hoping to get some help and possibly tools to deal with this cranky baby from all the family and their wisdom. Everyone had their own lives and work going on and it ended up that I had the same problem I had here, but in another state, at someone else's house, still with no help or relief. It failed miserably.
When I was pregnant with my second child, she was breech and a c-section was scheduled. My previous birth had been vaginal and I did not know what to expect. I was terrified because some people I talked to said it was no big deal and other said they had a hard recovery. This led me to believe that each recovery is different and there was just no way to know, but that I was going to have to prepare for the worst. And so, I begged my mom to come because with a new baby, recovery, a small child and the fact that my husband was going to have to go back to work immediately, I would need help. Again, it was a whole ordeal. She wasn't sure she had the money, then she couldn't find someone to check on her dog and it came down to the last minute where I had no idea if she would be here or not until only a few weeks prior.
Fast forward to the present. My husband is gone- for a long time. I have hit burnout and I need help. My mom suggested from the beginning that she come visit us for a week at the halfway point to break up the monotony and give me some help. I have been looking forward to this visit for weeks. I have been looking forward to the kids focusing their attention and neediness on someone else for a few days so I can have a break. I NEED A BREAK! Same drama- different year- because of money problems, she didn't buy her ticket until last week (for next week). Once she bought them, I was relieved, knowing help was coming. Now, she is sick. Really sick. My sister just called to tell me she has been taken to the hospital. And I know it isn't her fault. And I realize I am being selfish for worrying about myself here, but dammit! Why can't I get a fucking break? And that is what makes me wonder if there are some supernatural forces working against me. Do I have bad Karma? Am I a bad person? Does God hate me? What? What did I do? Why do I deserve this? And these are my questions. And I am sure they will always be my questions. And I know that a disappointing mother will be my burden to bear and I should quit relying on her. I should suck it up and just be independent and do everything on my own.
But dammit, everybody needs a shoulder to cry on once in awhile. And everybody needs help sometimes too. It's just that everybody doesn't get it.
**Comments closed- this was something I needed to get out and I don't need any drama and/or debate**