Fred's Mowing Diggs

Some people are such idiots. REALLY.

While I maintain an immaculate, pristinely kept home where the bed sheets are ironed, and there are decorative soaps in each of the bathrooms, Fred and Barnes handle all things "outdoors". The two of them are responsible for the upkeep and maintenance of the yard. That's just the way it is.  And when they are tending to the yard, the guys always wear their finest. :) Fred wears old shorts, a grubby hat, some boots, and a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off during the summer months. He won't be featured on GQ, but he dresses for WORK. Nuttin' but the finest, folks!

Several of our neighbors also do their own yard work.  One of our particular favorites is a clown who has a riding lawnmower and wears a pair of those headphones that the gun range lug nuts use to protect their ears from the loud noises.  The houses in our area are built on about 1/3 of an acre, so it's totally manageable with a regular mower.  Oh yeah, and he frequently sports his Revenge of the Nerds physique...SHIRTLESS!

I got a phone call from this particular neighbor's wife one Saturday morning.  She called giggling...

NW:  Hey Ethel, I was just looking out my front window and saw Fred out there mowing the yard.  (chuckling)

Me:  Oh yeah!?

NW:  Have you ever seen that show "Swamp People"?  (more laughing)

Me:  Yeah, we love it!

NW:  Well I was just thinking that Fred looks like he could be on that show!  He's dressed about like they do on the show.  You know, with the hat, boots, and the pretty shirt?

Me:  He really dresses up, doesn't he?

NW:  Yep!  I just thought it was too funny, so I thought I would give you a buzz and have a laugh.  :)

Me:  Thanks.  He doesn't exactly mow shirtless, but he does have his own brand of class, right?

....we chatted awkwardly for about 30 seconds longer and then said "good-bye" after a few niceties.

How nervy that this wife-of-a-lug-nut would call me just to say that my husband resembles the kind of knuckle draggers that are featured on "Swamp People"?  Those people need SUBTITLES, bitch!

I couldn't even mask my irritation.  We haven't really run into eachother since that fateful morning.  Peculiar!?  I think not.  She should rethink her angle before punching my digits into her phone next time.  After all, she's married to the dude who mows his 100 sq ft on a RIDER!  Maybe this is his idea of "a warm up" before he starts shopping in "The Scooter Store" catalog?  MAYBE?  Hmm?  Hmm?  Idiot.

~Ethel~

Death By Spork

Yeah. You read the title right - Death By Spork.  It sounds like a plausible consideration at the moment.

Shelly, the woman who dreams of yesteryear when she dated Fred in high school, has inquired about "sitting together" at the homecoming football game. I mean, REALLY? Are we still teenagers passing notes in the halls or something?

Anyway.  When she brought up the whole "your daddy was my boyfriend in high school" thing to Scarlett a few weeks ago, it really put an edge on any friendliness that I may have been inclined to indulge her in.  After pulling that little stunt, the walls are up and I intend to stay on MY side of the fence.  I mean, who's to say that she wouldn't decide to show up at the game with her afore mentioned Memory Book just to take a walk down memory lane?!?  'Cause that's just what I need, you know.  Some nut job pushing me to the natural limits of sanity at a high school football game, surrounded by my REAL friends, while she opens Mary Poppins' magic carpet bag chock FULL of hearts, rainbows, and bubble-letter-writing. *bleck!*

Here's a clue SHELLS-BELLS, you made a seemingly normal situation unbelievably AWKWARD!!! It's not my problem anymore - it's all yours.

What makes this whole scenario fucking hysterical slightly amusing, is that she has worked Fred's last nerve too.  He avoids answering her comments or posts on social networking sites.  Even before she that nasty case of diarrhea of the mouth, she was starting to get a little to cozy for his taste.  LOL

We aren't meeting up at the game.  We won't be sitting together.  I am not answering the "Where are you?" texts.

I am done.

~Ethel~

I've Done My Time

I remember how it felt when my children were young. It was fun, exciting, chaotic, noisy, adventurous, and busy. I worked full time until our first was well into school, and then became a SAHM when the others came along. When the juggling act would become a little overwhelming, I would sometimes think about how many more years I had until they were all graduated and out of the house. It sounds awful, I know, but anyone who says that those thoughts NEVER cross their mind is just flat lying.

At any rate... It is fucking irritating amusing to me when I am having one of "those" days and mention my struggles on a certain social networking site, only to have someone say "Well I have a lot longer to go than you do". Whaaaat? Are you kidding me? Because last I checked, I started having my babies when you were in elementary school biznatch!!

I have EARNED each and every day of mothering that I have under my belt, and if you don't like it I really don't give a shit! Suck it up and breathe through it. Motherhood is no picnic, so if you need someone to pat you on the back or give you a hug when you've had a hard day - I'm your girl, I've been there too. Just save the sappy, needy responses about how much worse your lot in life is than mine.  Even though my kids were reading on a collegiate level in preschool (hahaha!), my kids didn't exactly potty train themselves.

No more potty training, no more weening them from the binkie, no more screaming temper tantrums in the grocery stores, no more preschool. I have traded all of that for trying to make sure that my child doesn't sneak out of the house at night, arguments before school about appropriate school attire, why MY money is not THEIR money, discussions about a first car (that's a laugh), and being "The Enforcer" on days when homework doesn't have quite the same appeal as playing outside.

I've done my time!

~Ethel~