Monday, September 27, 2010

The Soccer Gospel According to Lucy

Dear Soccer Parents of Three-and-Four-Year-Olds:

First of all, the Parent Information Letter you received when you signed your sweet, tiny little soccer star up stated very clearly that this league is instructional only.  That the sole purpose is to begin to teach the kids to dribble the ball, not to touch it with their hands and touch on other fundamentals such as passing.  It all clearly stated that because this is most of the children's first soccer experience, once coach cannot possibly cover the entire team and parents are EXPECTED TO PARTICIPATE WITH THEIR CHILD.  

Just to clarify- and I realize this is MY interpretation of the above- but "participating" does not mean pulling up your folding chair to the sideline and texting/making phone calls/ updating your Facebook status/armchair coaching from the sidelines.  It means get off your lazy ass and get out on the field with your child and help them understand what it is the coach is asking of them.

 I do.  Every bloody week I haul my non-athletic ass out on that field and I help my three year old understand the instructions.  I'm not there to stand in for your lazy ass and help your kid too.  I think your kids are adorable, all of them, but I'm trying to concentrate on my child. So, your child constantly tapping me on the shoulder and saying,  " Umm... my dad spanked me on the way here."  and "Excuse me... I has new pink shoes." while very informative,  is really taking away from my task at hand.   I'm trying to help MY child... I can't help it that your child is feeling neglected.  That's because your ass is sitting on the sidelines not even watching except to glance up every once in awhile and shout, "Go, Timmy!" which is actually inappropriate because Timmy is currently sitting midfield picking his nose.

And I'm a bit annoyed that because no one else.. not one of you fucking stellar parents got up to help and it was just myself and the coach, that I sort of ended up being the "assistant coach" and asked desperately by the coach to help by taking half the team and running drills with them.  Here's a tip:  I don't know anything about soccer beyond- you gotta kick it in the goal and then shout, "GOOOOAL!"- so do you really want my fat ass responsible for teaching your child soccer rudiments?

Because if you don't, then get off your lethargic lazy ass and get out there and help me.  And if you don't care who teaches your kid or if I even know anything about soccer- then you'd better look up from your iPhone once in awhile.  Or else I will teach them to kick you in the nuts/nutella.



  1. This hits me where it hurts, a little. I have been guilty of such an offense a time or two. *snicker* And the coach DID drag my fat ass out onto the my work clothes...with flip flops do drills. Last time I wore flip flops to soccer practice, that's for sure!

    Good for you for working with your child. I feel like a lame-o on the soccer field, but alas it doesn't take a tremendous amount of skill. Just the ability to run without giving yourself a black eye from floppy, bouncy boobs. HAHAHAHA!!! (ouch)

  2. LMAO! I have no kids but I have similar reactions to the idiots that use the train in the mornings! I blogged quite lengthily about it too - had to get it off my chest :D

  3. Awesome! I loved nut/nutella. Those parents sound like aholes. This is when I am glad mine isn't a year yet. I am not looking forward to other parents.