Thursday, October 28, 2010

It's Not Even The Holidays Yet...WTF?!?

Tonight Fred looked at me and said, "I want to move to a remote cabin surrounded by lots of trees, and it needs to be a place where our families will never find us". I could not agree more!

There is a birthday family celebration coming up on Fred's side of the family. A noteworthy celebration, of course, but not one that I would make me think, "Hey self, you should get in there and make some crazy plans for this!" Which is precisely WHY I've been tending to my own shit laying low. Well, at least I was trying to lay low until the standard "Mertz Delegation of Duties" got fully underway...and this is how it went down.

Lorraine (Fred's grandmonster) called George (Fred's father) and said, "Have you decided what we're [you're] going to do for Poindexter's birthday this year? We [you] need to do something nice - he does alot for the family, you know."

George responded, "Well, I haven't really given it much thought, but maybe Fred and Ethel would be able to throw something together for the occasion. I'll call Ethel and see what she can get done."

So my question is this: HOW THE FUCK DID THIS BECOME MY PROBLEM?!? And how do I go about messing this event up so exponentially that I don't get asked to pull awesome-daughter-in-law duty again for a long, long, LONG time?  George is a huge pain in my ass.

Moving on.

The holiday season hasn't even officially begun, and already I feel like January can't get here fast enough!  Will someone please pass the vodka, and make it SNAPPY!?

Gripe #1 - One of my siblings made flight arrangements without checking with anyone first, and will be here (in town) for TWO FULL WEEKS. She's great. She's awesome. BUT she's also going to want to get out and do things, and I have to WORK!!!

Gripe #2 - We will celebrate Thanksgiving TWICE this year. This is as a result of the fact that one of my other sibs has a nut-muncher of a significant other, and my sib wants to do Thanksgiving with normal people our side of the family BEFORE going to spend the actual holiday with the nut-muncher's family. Not a HUGE issue, but according to Marie Claire's bitch of a columnist, Maura Kelly, I am well on my way to making her feel sick when she looks at the likes of me after stuffing my gullet not just once, but twice, on traditional Thanksgiving fare. FUCK HER!

Gripe #3 - Christmas is going to be at my house this year. BOTH sides of the insane asylum family are invited, and it's a safe bet that Josephine (the grandmonster) will be her naturally bitchy, rude self. Oh, how I am looking forward to hearing her snide comments.

Gripe #4 - Fred and I had wanted to just go someplace ELSE for the holidays this year and leave all of the other degenerates behind, but we made the mistake of telling a couple of other family members....and VIOLA! It became a trip to hell with all of the weirdo knuckle-draggers in tow.  Needless to say, we decided to cancel that nightmare and not pass "GO" or collect $200.  Somethings just aren't worth it, ya know?

So that's where we stand. I haven't gone completely nuts, but I am on my second bottle of wine tonight. Fred put a trashcan by the bed and I wrote out checks for the kids to buy their lunches tomorrow instead of having to make them while being super hung over and all.

Please tell me that I'm not the only one with holiday drama brewing on the horizon?!


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