POP! ....Goes the Cherry

What is this world coming to!?!

Lately, I've been hearing tale after tale about how some young lady that a friend/relative knows who is having a baby. And more often than not, the girl is in high school or their early 20's, and marriage isn't even a consideration in the equation.

I also had a conversation with a friend last week who was troubled about the fact that her daughter (in her mid 30's) had been diagnosed with HPV. The diagnosis was upsetting to her, but she was overwhelmed with disappointment that BOTH of her adult children continue to have complications from unprotected sex and STD's.

The final straw came on Sunday when one of my distant cousins posted a picture of, yet another, new grandchild. A new baby is a magical, wonderful celebration for every family, but NOT ONE of my cousin's kids have ever been married! Her kids are still single AND HAVING BABIES!!! WTF?!? To be clear...I am ALL for "taking care of your responsibility", but I'm also from the camp of "each child deserves to have a family". And by "family", I mean a mom and a dad who live under the same roof, share the same last name, and occasionally go to a sporting event together.

SO! After mulling over all these accounts of new babies, STD's, and family chaos, I did what I always do....I talked to my oldest son. He's in high school, and we talk A LOT about morals, standards, drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships, and choices. It's not always comfortable to talk to your child about anal sex or masturbation, but it's out there, and frankly, I want to be the one to answer his questions and find out where his head is at on different topics.

So the "talk" began. We talked about the ramifications of making the choice to have unprotected sex. We talked about STD's. We talked about a woman who has herpes from when she was younger, and how horrified she was all through her pregnancy that she (or her husband) might have an outbreak. We talked about a kid (not much older than Barnes), who got his girlfriend pregnant and had to drop out of school his junior year to work as a mechanic to support the baby, and he doesn't even speak to the mother of their baby anymore. We talked about REAL. LIFE. SHIT.

As we were finishing up the conversation, I asked him if he and his GF had ever gotten close to having sex and he said, "No"....but there was something to the way he said it. There was a look on his face that I get a glimpse of when I ask, "Who ate the BLASTED COOKIE DOUGH AGAIN?!" I took a deeeeeeeep cleansing breath.........and I told him that nothing that he told me could make me love him any less. To which he replied, "Yes, I have had sex."

I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. We talked AT LENGTH about this little disclosure, and we're STILL talking about it. At least he trusts me enough to tell me the harsh truth, right?

Could someone pass the Prozac, please?

~Ethel~

Holiday Etiquette: If Someone Sends You an Invitation

Howdy Folks...

Laverne here again, taking a quick break from dazzling the world with my mad Christmas decorating skillz (I spelled that with a Z so you know I totally mean it) this cold, Texas afternoon, to talk to y'all a little bit more about etiquette. Yeah, yeah. I know what you're thinking.

"Did I just stumble across the Miss Manners blog?"

No. That's not it at all (plus, I totally hate that uppity bitch). But, it is the holiday season and I feel like it is my personal responsibility to pass along these unspoken rules of etiquette (and by unspoken, I mean, things you just cannot, must not do) to those who may be totally unaware that society dictates that we treat others respectfully. Whether or not they deserve it is a completely different story.

So, here is a holiday anecdote about my friend Gina. Which is totally not her real name, but you know, we can't go around just exposing everyone...

Gina is a nice gal. Sweet. Very smart. Incredibly witty, dazzlingly gorgeous. Always gentle and kind with great hair. She has four of the most handsome sons you will ever meet, who are (of course) well-mannered and polite. You would be totally jealous of her if you knew her. Trust me.

A few years ago, Gina was busily preparing for Christmas. She had two baby showers to plan (because she is ridiculously generous too), a home to decorate and clean, food to cook, and lots of shopping to do. And because she is so kind and generous, she offered up her home to her in-laws that year, in addition to her very own family, thinking that it would be nice to all spend the holidays together.

(okay, that last part is a load of crap, because her parents are divorced and hate each other, her husband's father and his wife are insane burned out hippies and her mom probably would have beaten her dad's new wife to a bloody pulp, but that didn't really fit in with the story here so...)

After much hemming and hawing, her in-laws (blessedly) declined and so Gina went about her normal holiday business, happy to have one more thing crossed off her Christmas list.

Weeks went by. Her list dwindled, plans were made, her home glistened and sparkled, gifts were wrapped and under the tree, everyone's favorite holiday sweaters were clean and pressed, family had arrived and before Gina knew it, it was Christmas Eve!

She had just gone to switch out a load of laundry that morning when her phone rang.

Hello?

Hello Gina, this is your fabulous mother-in-law calling from Tennessee!

Oh, hi there! How are you mother-in-law?

Well, I was just calling to see if you had received your surprise Christmas package yet?

My surprise Christmas package? No, I don't guess I have.

(Gina's wheels were turning fiercely at this moment, wondering what her mother-in-law meant)

Well, sister-in-law just happened to mention that my ex-husband called from the road to say that they are surprising you for Christmas.

(Gina, rarely flustered, was totally caught off-guard)

No, mother-in-law, I'm afraid you misunderstood. You see, they told us they weren't coming for Christmas. I can't imagine that they'd tell me no if they really meant yes. This is quite the conundrum.

Well, good luck to you Gina. I certainly hope I'm wrong.

(okay so the conversation didn't exactly go that way, but it also didn't fit with Gina's sunny disposition, so...)

Upset and confused, Gina quickly called Mr. Gina.

Ah, yes. I seem to recall grandmother hinting that they might be on their way here.

Gina hung up the phone, reeling. "Who shows up for Christmas unannounced on Christmas Eve?"

Suddenly, the phone rang again.

Hello?

Hello. Do you need a Christmas ham?

A Christmas ham? No, I don't believe I do. Are you offering one?

Oh. Well, we thought we would bring one this evening for dinner.

Did you? Well (nervous laugh), I guess we could always use extra! What time should we expect you?

Right about now....

(Gina looked out her front window to find a familiar car pulling up to the curb)

Now, as I've said before, Gina is rather generous. She is kind. She can be tolerant. And so, for the sake of keeping the peace at Christmastime, she chose tolerance. It would not be the last time Gina carelessly made this mistake with her in-laws.

And because Gina is always prepared for guests, she made room at the table for an extra two people. She served them beer and wine graciously (even though they carried enough in their suitcases to keep a bar operating for days), laughed when they joked about ruining her holiday, and hid her displeasure each time they rudely insulted her family. She didn't so much as flinch when she was berated for daring to buy Christmas gifts for her husband and children (and not herself) with the hundreds of dollars they apparently "only" sent for Mr. Gina. She did not complain when she was given a $25 gift card for a mall 800 miles away. No, Gina held strong. And it would not be the last time Gina made this mistake either, but she is kind and generous with a good heart and so she is stupid enough to think that maybe at some point they will change.

(for the record, they don't)
So, here is a recap of today's lesson.

-Do not decline an invitation if you plan on actually accepting it

-Do not show up unannounced

-Do not show up unannounced on Christmas Eve with a burnt maple and brown sugar ham that's just spent two days in a car wrapped in plastic wrap.

-Do not take advantage of other people's hospitality

-Do not treat your daughter-in-law's family poorly.

-Do not show up drunk or continue to get drunk to the point of embarrassment

-Specify who you're sending money to, so you don't yell at your daughter-in-law on Christmas Day

-Don't buy a gift at all if your sole intent is to be an asshole

-Do stay in Tennessee for the holidays and spare everyone the agony of your presence

I think that's it.

Happy Mannerly Holidays, friends!

~Laverne~

Are You Really That Stupid Or Are You Just Fucking With Me?

The other day I was looking through Junior's school folder and looking at the grades on his papers.  As I was flipping through I came across a class project that the kids had obviously done in groups of three, because there were three little names scrawled across the back of the construction paper.

What REALLY caught my eye though, was the fact that Junior's name had been misspelled.  For instance, (since this is an anonymous blog) his name was scribble down as JUSTIS instead of JUSTICE.

A bit later, after getting the homework phase of our afternoon completed, the kids went out to play and I started getting dinner ready....and then it hit me!  My husband was once an idiot like that too!  But he was an even BIGGER idiot, because he thought he could play stupid, not use his brain even a little bit....AND GET AWAY WITH IT!!!?!  Dumbass!  My bullshit-o-meter is much to good for the likes of him.

Here's the crux of it.

Fred went through a phase where he SPELLED MY NAME WRONG.  You got it!  Your mouth is hanging wide open right now isn't it!?!  And to make it even MORE insulting, this wasn't even when we were dating, getting to know eachother, or "warming up".  This series of fuck ups happened over the course of SEVERAL YEARS, after we'd already been married for a while.  I wanted to administer a crushing blow to the nads every fucking time I would see "DarcIE" written down, rather than "DarcY".

Fred, you fucking derelict, my name ends in a Y, not and IE.  And if you ever think that I'm going to spread faster than hot butter for you EVER AGAIN, you will get that shit straight!!!

But he didn't.

And I would just continue to show my disgust and irritation.

And he would still "forget" every now and then.

And the cycle would continue.

UNTIL the day that he wrote JUSTIS instead of JUSTICE on our son's paperwork.

I.  HAD.  A.  F-I-T.

There was screaming, name calling, arms were waving....it was UGLY.  It basically got down to this primary point...  "If I matter, if your son matters, and IF THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE MATTER, you will spell our names correctly, or this charade is OVER."

My name is spelled correctly EVERY time now.  And Fred pays must more careful attention to the way he spells people's names.

Dumbass.

~Ethel~

It's Not Even The Holidays Yet...WTF?!?

Tonight Fred looked at me and said, "I want to move to a remote cabin surrounded by lots of trees, and it needs to be a place where our families will never find us". I could not agree more!

There is a birthday family celebration coming up on Fred's side of the family. A noteworthy celebration, of course, but not one that I would make me think, "Hey self, you should get in there and make some crazy plans for this!" Which is precisely WHY I've been tending to my own shit laying low. Well, at least I was trying to lay low until the standard "Mertz Delegation of Duties" got fully underway...and this is how it went down.

Lorraine (Fred's grandmonster) called George (Fred's father) and said, "Have you decided what we're [you're] going to do for Poindexter's birthday this year? We [you] need to do something nice - he does alot for the family, you know."

George responded, "Well, I haven't really given it much thought, but maybe Fred and Ethel would be able to throw something together for the occasion. I'll call Ethel and see what she can get done."

So my question is this: HOW THE FUCK DID THIS BECOME MY PROBLEM?!? And how do I go about messing this event up so exponentially that I don't get asked to pull awesome-daughter-in-law duty again for a long, long, LONG time?  George is a huge pain in my ass.

Moving on.

The holiday season hasn't even officially begun, and already I feel like January can't get here fast enough!  Will someone please pass the vodka, and make it SNAPPY!?

Gripe #1 - One of my siblings made flight arrangements without checking with anyone first, and will be here (in town) for TWO FULL WEEKS. She's great. She's awesome. BUT she's also going to want to get out and do things, and I have to WORK!!!

Gripe #2 - We will celebrate Thanksgiving TWICE this year. This is as a result of the fact that one of my other sibs has a nut-muncher of a significant other, and my sib wants to do Thanksgiving with normal people our side of the family BEFORE going to spend the actual holiday with the nut-muncher's family. Not a HUGE issue, but according to Marie Claire's bitch of a columnist, Maura Kelly, I am well on my way to making her feel sick when she looks at the likes of me after stuffing my gullet not just once, but twice, on traditional Thanksgiving fare. FUCK HER!

Gripe #3 - Christmas is going to be at my house this year. BOTH sides of the insane asylum family are invited, and it's a safe bet that Josephine (the grandmonster) will be her naturally bitchy, rude self. Oh, how I am looking forward to hearing her snide comments.

Gripe #4 - Fred and I had wanted to just go someplace ELSE for the holidays this year and leave all of the other degenerates behind, but we made the mistake of telling a couple of other family members....and VIOLA! It became a trip to hell with all of the weirdo knuckle-draggers in tow.  Needless to say, we decided to cancel that nightmare and not pass "GO" or collect $200.  Somethings just aren't worth it, ya know?

So that's where we stand. I haven't gone completely nuts, but I am on my second bottle of wine tonight. Fred put a trashcan by the bed and I wrote out checks for the kids to buy their lunches tomorrow instead of having to make them while being super hung over and all.

Please tell me that I'm not the only one with holiday drama brewing on the horizon?!

~Ethel~

Won't My Mommy Be So Proud of Me?

About thirty seconds after Mama Kat emailed out this week's writing prompts, my cell started ringing. Ethel was calling me to tell me to check my email and pay specific regard to prompt #3- Why I'm not inviting my mother to read my blog. We laughed.. hysterically.

You see... this prompt has our names written all over it! For crying out loud, we started a whole anonymous blog so our mothers wouldn't read it! But the question seems a bit more specific- so the reasons I, Lucy, am not inviting my mother (or any other family member for that matter) to read this blog:

My sister is bat-shit crazy. Not in the I-like-to-say-my-slightly-quirky-family-member-that-does-quirky-annoying-things-is-crazy sort of way, but in the I'm-pretty-sure-if-she-would-drag-her-crazy-ass-into-a-professional's-office-she's-be-certifiable crazy. And you just can't have that kind of front row seat to crazy and not share some of the stories.

Because my sister-in-law and my sister should be twins- despite there being a twenty-eight year difference in their ages, they act identical. Add to that the fact that my in-laws absolutely loathe me.. and that's material too! Double my blessings in the crazy department. Who's a lucky girl? I AM!

Then there is the fact that my mother is a bit nutsy too! She holds a grudge- and carries out her revenge with the conviction and maturity of a pre-teen girl. Either I am the only sane one or I am just as delusional as the rest of them. Either way- win for you, the reader!

There are so many more reasons that will just have to unfold within the confines and secrecy of this blog, but I have to leave some space for Ethel to tell us why she doesn't want her mother to read this blog.
~Lucy


The reason why I, Ethel, will not EVER be inviting my mother to read this blog is because:

1. I would like for my mother to continue wearing her rose colored glasses. She's a good person who loves others and tries to see the best in them, above all else. I fall short on this order and tend to see things in a more literal, sometimes a tad cynical, light.
2. Family relationships and friendships, where honesty IS NOT the best policy, would probably never recover.
3. Mother wouldn't handle it well if I told her that her sister is a narcissistic narrow minded ballbuster who only sees the world one way - HER WAY.  After the last few times that we've been in close company with she and her offspring, it's safe to state that I will ONLY spend time with that branch of the Truman family again if there is an absolute emergency, a family crisis, or I have a planned escape route.  It's just not worth it anymore.
4. My mother is sympathetic, to a fault, regarding my loser sister, Samantha.  Sam lives her life like an aimless adult child.  It goes without saying that she has children of her own, doesn't work at all, floats from man to man, has a substance abuse problem, and STILL manages to prey on my mother's sympathy.  WTF?!?  This is where I proudly wear my snobby-unfeeling-judgemental-bitch-of-a-sister name tag.  

Some things are better left alone and unacknowledged by certain eyes.
~Ethel

So, there you have it, folks- the very reasons we started this blog and proof to you, the reader, that we have loads of material to keep this blog going for quite some time....or eternity, which ever comes first.  And we would also like to take this opportunity to tell you that if your Mom does read your blog, but you have something you need to post about that you fear might not be Mom-approved, feel free to shoot us an email and you can guest post for us.  If you are brave, we can identify you and link to your blog, or if you truly need an anonymous platform for your rant, we will keep your identity totally under wraps.

We love to dish the dirt, but we can also keep a secret.

~Lucy and Ethel