Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Insufferable Family of Assholes


My name is Laverne. And I have a problem with Insufferable Assholes.

(Hi, Laverne)

A few weeks ago, Lucy and Ethel kindly asked me to write a guest post, surely in the hopes that I would bring my hilarious wit and wisdom to this fair blog. Not that I think they need it, I just like to toot my own horn here people. I quickly RSVP'd with a "frackin' absolutely" and then, like any etiquette-minded woman of the south would do, I buried it in my inbox and promptly forgot.

Obviously, I do not have much room to talk about rudeness here. But, let's pretend that I do, okay? Because, I feel obliged to tell you all about my traumatic experience at the local picture show Saturday morning featuring none other than The Insufferable Family of Assholes.

Here's how it started.

My oldest son's orthodontist was kind enough to rent out four screens at the movie theater in order to let his patients see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows free of charge. Pretty sweet, huh? Parents were allowed to reserve as many tickets as they wanted and upon receipt, I discovered that we would also be getting a large popcorn and drink. For free. Not a bad deal, especially for opening weekend.

Me being the nerd that I am, snapped up three tickets. One for me, one for Boy Number One and one for BNO's best friend, though feeling a tad bit guilty over our three whopping tickets. After a few minutes of internal debate, I decided that I'd probably paid for those three tickets more than enough over the course of BNO's orthodontia experience. And apparently, I was not the only person who felt this way.

The theater was a madhouse. Packed to the gills for 8:30 on a Saturday morning. The three of us quickly grabbed our snacks, made a break for the potties and then headed for theater eight.

Now, I should point out here that I am an awesome mom. Awesome. Because, even though it made me absolutely, terrifyingly nauseated, I let the boys pick their seats in the middle of the second row. I did not encourage them to sit in the back, where my feeble eyes could see. I did not ask them to anything equally lame, like hold my purse. I even hid my tears when Dobby died (look, if I'm giving something away at this point in the game, it's your problem, not mine).

So, we sit down and I immediately take note of the Insufferable Family Of Assholes sitting in the row in front of us. That's right. Insufferable. Family. Assholes. This adequately describes the scene.

Honestly, it's not like you could miss them. A family of six. All roughly 350lbs. All squeezed into their seats with their tubby little hands clamped down on the popcorn like someone was about to steal it right out from under them. Little boy whining because he wanted more soda. Parents fighting over who has to go to the bathroom before the movie starts. Yelling. Cursing. General bad behavior that would have embarrassed Grandmama had she stopped making love to her damn pickle for two minutes and taken notice. Pretty sure someone smelled too.

And as if that weren't enough, they made four (yes, that's quatro for our Spanish speaking friends) trips out to the lobby for more popcorn and drinks in the twenty minutes before Harry, Ron and Hermione made their appearance onto the screen.

Yes. Really.

Satisfied, though apparently not stuffed to the gills because they all kept complaining, they settled in just as the theater went dark. And that's when it started.

You know how when you're in a movie and you're tryin' to get all comfortable and you might accidentally lean back too far and smush the poor person behind you? And, you think to yourself, "well crap, that was kinda rude...my bad." Yeah. Apparently, Grandpa didn't have the good sense (or human decency, your pick) to stop doing it.

The first time, I let it go.

The second time, I might have sighed or rolled my eyes.

The third time, I cleared my throat.

The fourth time, I loudly whispered "seriously?!"

The fifth time? I kicked him back.

By the time Junior got scared and started whining to sit with Grandmama (which caused all of them to heave themselves from the chair and change places), I was ready to scream. I may have also been gearing up to kick some Insufferable Asshole hiney. But then, Nagini the snake jumped out and scared the living daylights (and possibly a few other things) out of me and I'd momentarily thought about excusing myself and running to the Southern Belle's Room.

Thankfully, that shut them the hell up and the rest of the movie was relatively pleasant.

I hope they thanked their damn lucky stars.

So, let's recap here.

Someone does something nice for you, which makes the following things unacceptable:

Inviting the entire county to this free event.

Enjoying an all you can eat buffet at the expense of the host and other guests.

Irritating a room of 300 people by yelling, "MAKE HIM TAKE A PISS ALREADY!"

Airing out your dentures (although, this is basically never okay in public).

Using your cell phone to text the person next to you, check Facebook or Tweet that you're watching Harry Potter for free and wish you could have another pickle.

Ramming the woman behind you in the knees with your seat to the point where she's about ready to beat the shit out of you with her hot pink Croc.


*Disclaimer: I'm not hating on fat people. I am one. Though, I'd describe myself as cherubic, chubby, adorable, pleasantly plumped, voluptuous. Surely you get where I'm going here.


  1. It's a wonder that rude, foul, poorly mannered people like that seem shocked when they are asked to leave someplace, or when other people look like they need to crawl back into their caves. I LOVE pointing stuff like that out to my kids and saying, "THAT is why I bust your chops about behaving in public and minding your manners". The bonus comes when they nod their little heads and say, "That is sooooo bad Momma!"

  2. My first thought- What a cool orthodontist y'all have! My second thought- wait... hell yeah, he should have paid for that, I'm sure you have dished out enough money over the years to him to cover it! My third thought- Holy crap! Do you live in the same town as me, because I'm pretty sure know those people!

  3. Wait... your orthodontist paid for all of his patients to go see Harry Potter and it took FOUR screens. Fuck. I knew I picked the wrong career.